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Post 6: Are you an Asshole?

like a hole in my head sqWell isn’t that interesting—I started to think about my next topic in computer dating and all that came repeatedly to mind was the question
“Are you an Asshole?”

As I was about to start writing this, I thought I’d google the question. I got 53,900,000 results in 38 seconds. I’m not the only person asking this question of the universe, the ether, and my fellow human. I guess this is a pretty common inquiry.

Most of these results were asshole tests—no we’re not talking hemorrhoid diagnostics. I guess people need to find out if they are assholes. I mean that seems natural; I know plenty of assholes and I don’t think they know they qualify.

One of the tests was an OK Cupid test—Are you an Asshole? I thought in the spirit of research and procrastination I should take it. I am comforted to learn that I am not an asshole. I hope you agree. After answering truthfully, I scored 25% on Assholishness (that’s their word.) That’s still higher than 39% of my peers, whoever they are. This is a relief.

It was a quick and easy test—no ambiguities (well except for the question about carrying around a picture of myself in my wallet. I mean we all want drivers licenses, don’t we?) My favorite question from the test is: “Do you feel the constant need to make long, period-separated lists of bands and/or random household items on match-making sites to describe yourself?”

Yes Gentle Testmaker, I too am tired of the band lists, the novel lists, lists of authors, lists of foods he enjoys, lists of cool restaurants, lists of used-to-be cool restaurants. These lists are so tedious my eye flies over them, barely touching the pixels and quickly cutting to the age requirements of the man in question.(And why is it so hard for men to date women older than themselves? I’m not talking Cougar.I mean within 5 years? And hey, Cougars are hot.)

I’ve not yet experienced the random household items scenario. But it sounds to me like a new detection device for a homespun version of Clever McCleverbuddy. And yes, he’s a form of Asshole.(Not quite sure whether Testmaker would rate that as slightly prick-ish, dick, asshole, major asshole or scum of the earth. Egads—that last step is a loo-loo. I suppose a few other criteria might figure in there.)

Well, it turns out I’ve written about the asshole before. I guess it’s a natural theme in online dating. Post 5 was about the man-child-guitar-hack-fantasy-dude. He’s an asshole. Or maybe a pathetic dreamer. But I’m feeling a little badly about that post. After all, I’m a writer and sometime music person and arts educator and I don’t mean to come down on music as a passion. It’s just THAT dude, who is still doing that instead of a real job circa 52 to 62.

Likewise Post 3 about the guy who can’t post a decent, creepy-free picture is about that kind of asshole. Actually the whole premise of this series—The Blessed Disappointment—is appreciation for all the little cues that in fact this person is a disappointment—one variation of which is The Asshole–and save yourself the time and trouble.

Now I wouldn’t assume that all assholes are men. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re not. I hear reports from male love-hunters that reveal predictable currents of assholishness among the female love-hunters they encounter. However Cracked (the sometimes-funny/always witty website) does seem to assume the asshole is a male animal. At least it does so in its article on how not to be an asshole. http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-simple-steps-to-not-being-total-asshole/

I think asshole is egalitarian. And occasionally we’re all assholes, right? Sometimes our mirrors are just set wrong. But really dude, who are you trying to impress with that list of 20 bands. Me? I just went downstairs for more batteries for my dildo.