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Date

A loaf of bread, check, glass of wine, check and—where art thou? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little date for this table? Time to take my computer dating hijinxs up a notch and post my own ad.

Computer dating is already a pretty weird thing. We’ve taken some sort of mysterious Darwinian biochemical social phenomena and made it a language-based, picture assisted lottery. Or I guess if you’re a guy, it’s more of a picture-based language-assisted bar stool. In any case, words are important. And face it– language isn’t everyone’s strong suit.

I would have some control putting up my own ad. But then what? How would I sort out responses?

Back when I was reading and responding to men’s posts, I ran into some “tests.” It’s my college-bowl brain.

“Seeking callipygous woman… “

Ok, Google Callipygous…ah… from the Greek, shapely….

Kiss my Callipygous ass!

That’s not going anywhere. I need a descriptor: “Mensch” seems like a much better descriptor than hair, job or dedication to some vehicle or animal. So this was my ad:

Mensch, 52.
I am, so you should be:
- Financially solvent and responsible
- Health conscious/hwp/fit…
- Interested/Educated/Bright
- Quick to laugh—maybe even funny
- A good traveler
- Under 60

And of course:
-Single (this is Craig’s list)
-Disease free
-A non-smoker

I’m too old for:
-Critical
-Judgmental –Mr. I’m-always-right
-The super-religious

Testing isn’t really necessary. I have basic grammar to go on. And then there’s that I’ll-know-it-when-I see-it line between chatting yourself up and being a self-important asshole. For example:

“Sex and intimacy happens like breathing, we are drawn to it. I am looking for a partner whose opinions are learned and articulate. I am one of the best read, most articulate persons you will ever meet. “

Definately an SIA. Or take this:

“While in the normal conduct of my life I have hurt people (who hasn’t?), it is decidedly NOT in my nature to be mean. Acting on the realization of the Sacred in others is my default behavior. Please contact me if you think you are up to the challenge. We will never know until we try.”

Right, we will never know…. I see that most men describe themselves as intelligent and good looking. It’s like a home being light and bright.

Men tend to be quick to send a picture. I understand that the picture is just a test of the gag reflex. Could I sit across a table from this guy and not lose my lunch? But some guys photograph deceptively well.

I park at Starbucks for the coffee meeting and catch someone in my rear view mirror as I put on lipstick. I bet that’s him, walking through the parking lot with the most unfortunate case of male pattern baldness I’ve ever seen—too bald but not bald enough. Reminder– it’s just hair.

Another guy, another Starbucks. I wonder how does that jacket hides those extra 50 cardiac-killer pounds while he launches into a litany of deadly diseases and surgeries he’s been through. His business is failing. But there’s only one little way in which he doesn’t meet my criteria.

“So what’s the 5% discrepancy?” I ask.

“Well you said Single…I’m living with a woman….But I think she’s going to dump me….”

Oooo baby! That makes me hot!

Now, some guys really want to let you know what they’re all about right away. “I haven’t sent a picture mostly because you asked me to.”

“I hope you love dogs?”

“I could whip your little ass until it’s red and shiny. Does that shock you?”

Some messages are short if not sweet:

“To tell the truth I had forgotten about you. Who are you again?”

“Very simply, I’m a Widowed, Retired cop from Upstate New York.”

Some guys have a lot to say.

“My personality profile says I am an Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiver (INFP) A personality commonly referred to as “The Idealistic Philosopher.” That makes me 3% of the population.”

“One of the perks of being in a relationship is being able to call on them in times of need or crisis, such as when our cars develop a flat tire.”

Triple A is much easier than a boyfriend, I find.