Miriam Feder

collections


Manhattan Christmas

Enjoy the food, the drink, a few presents and most importantly–one another.

“Tomorrow you can see Diana’s new piece.” Diana lives next door to my hostess and she’s a Liturgical Choreographer, whatever that means. Delightful—a free dance performance in Manhatten.

On Sunday morning I head off on foot through Central Park to the Church where the performance will start at ten. Ten a.m. seems an odd time for a dance performance.

The wind is especially wicked, whipping my unsuspecting flesh through my gloves and past my lungs. Although I’m in my twenties, I’m gasping and teary-eyed. Mind you, I’m no winter wimp. In college, I walked that evil bridge across the Mississippi many many January Minnesota nights. My Chicago mile-to-school-up-hill-both-ways stories are in mothballs for future grandchildren. Cold weather in Manhattan is different, though—it’s windier and lonelier.

I’m wearing just about everything I brought to New York. The duck-hunter’s ugly down vest is poochyand brown long before either were fashionable. The black wool coat weighs me down and twists around my legs in the wind. I might as well have left my jeans and long underwear at home for all the good they do me.

Central Park is empty. I endure it and don’t see a person until I’m heading south on Park Avenue. He’s a mid fifties sort of guy in a black-diamond mink coat walking a well-dressed Airdale. Steam rises from both of them; I am invisible. That’s ok, I’m relieved to be walking measurable blocks alongside buildings. I can think about my destination rather than Jack London endings.

Oh I noticed that mink coat, all right. And the gracious buildings and classy cars. Sexy ladies from the eighties, hunh? I wonder if this might not be a fancier affair than I contemplated?

It’s Sunday morning, two weeks before Christmas. Am I heading toward a church service? Is this some special sort of day? I bet it is. Suddenly I notice a swarm of limousines at a large building in the next block.

I’d never go to my own religious services dressed anything like this, even if it wasn’t a special holiday season-sort of day. But here I am and it’s too cold to walk away. Besides, it’s all about the dance.

The limos and taxis discharge snow white winter suits, ermine collars, cashmere, sparkling hats, and pearls. The rabble wears mink. What was I thinking?

I get caught in the swirl of entry into the gracious old church building and head toward the front. I haven’t come this far not to see the choreography. I skip the first couple of rows in case there is some special obligation. I get a good view from a third-row seat.

My ermine-trimmed neighbor and I exchange greetings. Everything matches. It’s warm.

Oh to be one of those people who sit wrapped-up in her coat. But in my world it was rude and unwise to stay coated indoors. Too bad, I almost could have passed. The panels of black Forstmann wool are by far the best part of my outfit and my raggy jeaned legs would be mostly hidden. But now that I’ve stopped throwing my body against the wind my cheeks sting hot, hands turn red and I might pass out. The coat comes off and I stuff the vest under a pew.

I am the lost last-decade hippy chick, au too naturelle. Maybe there is something remotely charming in the ragamuffin’s struggle through the cold to worship. And, for all its ermine, a congregation that has half-nude modern dancers and a string quartet on its alter in 1978 must be fairly enlightened.

Enlightened perhaps, but my neighbor is also intent on seeing that I sing my way through the service. Her pointer thrusts into my hymnal for the many follow-on verses of O Little Town of Bethlehem.

“Gratitude.” Yes, I’m grateful for the heat and that there’s no confusing kneeler or footrest. “Collection plate.” If I could have parted with money, I would have taken a cab. But smiles abound and I’ve settled into my role as the Crampet’s older headstrong girl.

Finally it’s time for the dance—my excuse for exposing these lovely people to me. I recall nothing. Some thirty years later, it’s my sense of ignorance and surprise, the warmth of the space and the tolerance of my neighbors—the true spirit of Christmas all around me—that I remember.

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is giv’n
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of His heav’n.

Production Diary Installment 1

BAKING A MUSICAL FROM SCRATCH–Playwright and Producer’s diary

SO FIRST I WROTE A PLAY: Maybe it was a crazy idea—aren’t they all. But I wanted to see more people like me on the stage. After all, there are a lot of us: educated baby boomers. career-women, divorced-Moms who’ve been around a few blocks. We’re reborn into a midlife world that allows us to be ourselves—outside the noisy realm of desire, glitz, war, and TV drama. I know, we’ve been a whiny generation, taking our (huge) share, maybe more, of the music, social movement, news, advertising bucks, and soon, social security and medicare dollars. We’ve subjected everyone to our discoveries, our crises and yes ladies, even our menopause. And as a generation, we haven’t exactly lived up to our promise. But in a small way, in the woman’s way of unheralded everyday life and discovery, we are just getting started. And it can be so good, even stepping through the rubble of the last 50 years and the landmines of now. How do we get that onstage in a fun, watch-able way?

I worked with a friend who was good enough to come over almost every week and read through/talk through whatever I was thinking about. We improvised a little bit, we got goofy, we got personal. I felt obligated to have something ready to share with her each week and a little pressure never hurts.

PRODUCTION MONEY–YOWEE: Within the last couple of years I’ve produced three one-woman shows from my original writings to be performed by me at an inexpensive alternative theatre space. They were consuming and self-funded. It’s been lonely and nerve-wracking (albeit wonderful.) I didn’t want to do that again.

This time I had a two-woman idea and a generous production grant. I felt very fortunate and a little grand. After I deposited the check I admired it in my bank account for a few months. It seemed huge–thrice my previous budgets. I knew I would hire a Director—that’s a must. I’d also hire an Arranger. (I’ve written songs for years and I’ve written two musicals for student-production and I’ve never stuck to Finale (the musical notation program) long enough to eek out a semi-respectable score. Enough of music-in-my-head.)

The first check I wrote was going to be my single biggest expense—arranging the music. This major commitment would get me a highly accredited musician on my side, clever arrangements, a score and recorded tracks for performance. Suddenly, in an EXCEL flash, the whole grant was committed away plus about another 50%. I was the proof of Parkinson’s Second Law–on steroids: Expenditures rise to meet income–and then some.

But nobody likes talking about money. After all, the important part is

THE PLAY: I worked up a good reading and singing of the play with my friend. Based upon the comments we got from our band of trusted, theatre-going friends, I completely rewrote the play, just in time to hand it off to Tod Rainey, the arranger, that week. Stay tuned for Installment 2.

Alphabetical Listing of Print Pieces

Each time I add a new piece I also add the print version. But I have some catching up to do with some of the older pieces and the new improvements. Just click on the title that sounds interesting. You’ll also find them in the chronological listing under PRINT and through the category search, to your left.

A Quiet Moment

Allspice

Alone

The Avalanche of Loneliness in Small Matters

A View From Auschwitz-Birkenau

Bogie

City

Eat it!

Fall and the Back To’s

Father

Frazzle

How to Cook

Ice Cream Musings

Inky Learning

Living in the Moment

Manhattan Christmas

More on Small Matters

Motivation

Musings on Freedom

My Family, Enough Already

Older Parents

Only in America

Peanut Butter Neglect

Portland

Second Chance

Special Delivery

The Special Object

Star Stud

Thanksgiving

To His New Ms. Right

Trophy

Truth

Two Haiku

Two Very Short Stories

What is Chanukah All About?

White Water Brain

What Is Chanukah All About?

Chagall ChanukahWhat is Chanukah all about? Chanukah, my children, Chanukah is the festival of socks. Each year the great Bubbe comes to the foot of each child’s bed and takes a sniff.

“Och, gotenyu. What a smell. I can tell you need new socks, you little stinker.”

And so, all over the world, at Chanukah, children get socks to replace the old worn out and stinky ones from last Chanukah. So now you know! Now we understand our non-Jewish neighbors, who always like to borrow our traditions and adjust them just a bit, come to hang their stockings by the hearth. Their Great Bubbe goes in drag and has a yen for fireplaces. Do we have fireplaces? No. Who would chop the wood? Who would make the fire? But it’s good for the Goyim. So socks connect us all with a sense of the warmth of the season.

Chocolate, my children, we celebrate Chanukah to appreciate how good the world is when there are eight days in a row of chocolate at our table. We have chocolates to share, to give and most importantly to eat. We even have chocolate to drink-noch. We make chocolate into money and gamble for it with our dreidels. If we are very lucky we get many Gimmels. Gimmels are for great—a great miracle happened here. Of course I’m right—I just won all the chocolate. Ante up so I can spin again before my dreidel cools off.

And why is chocolate so important? It’s the most delicious thing of all. It is rich and warm. It can be wrapped in beautiful paper and please the eye, even the eye of a grumpy Shin spinner. It gives you energy. It’s energy and hope that make you spin again and again and eventually you might get at least a Hay and split the pot. Chocolate makes you sweet on the inside, which makes you sweet on the outside which makes the world sweet.

Nuts kinder, nuts. This is what we want on Chanukah. The earth has given us nuts of the season and we use these to play and play with our dreidel. Nuts of all kinds, with their pretty little wooden homes. Round mahogany homes for filberts, thin crowded pecan shells crammed with sweetness. Stout comfortable walnut shells so that walnuts may play Chanukah games before they serve as Charoseth next Pesach and even dark crinkly homes for Brazil nuts, full of oil, like our beloved lamp.

Oh but you must think I am silly to forget the star of the whole show, quietly waiting in the dark for me to notice—our humble and most-dear Chanukah friend—the potato. The potato gives it’s all for Chanukah, allowing it’s pale flesh to be shredded, and stirred with eggs and onion and ladled into hot grease, flipped on it’s back, splashed with sour cream or applesauce (ok, you can have both) chewed and swallowed and maybe even some day soon, digested. This gentle giant promises all year long, reminding us how much we love Chanukah for the excuse to make latkes, for the better excuse to eat latkes, and for all the oil we can consume with each latke. And this, this little potato, really this is the secret of Chanukah. How the perfectly ordinary, so common among us, shines with greatness in the lights of hope, happiness, family, food and song.

What? You say Chanukah is not the potato, not the nuts, not the chocolate, not the warm snuggly socks? You’ve got to be kidding. Not even the beautiful menorah all bright with her warm candles? Songs—are you sad because I forgot the wonderful Chanukah songs where everyone knows the first two lines and hums the rest slightly out of tune? Is that what you think?

Oh, no. You think it’s us? Me, and the children, and our friends, and the guy I work with, and my neighbor, all gathered around the menorah while I look for the matches, turn down the soup that’s boiling over, flip the latkes one last time and finally make the brocha. You think that’s what Chanukah’s all about? Well, maybe you’re right.

 
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Oh, You Rogue!

You can teach an old car new tricks.

When I moved to Portland, I bought my first car: a perfect green Rambler Rogue. I paid $1000 for a car that ran almost perfectly for years and worried that I likely overpaid.

I spoiled her faded, matronly body, by plunging it into a small yellow truck in a residential intersection. My only defense was exhaustion; I had just finished my first year in law school. The humans were just fine, but the Rogue gushed blue all over the intersection. My heartbreak.

My boyfriend loved cars and had monkeyed around with them since boyhood. This was more complex body work than he had done before but his devotion let to months of rehab. Love me—love my Rogue. She re-emerged as the lemon-lime Rogue. She had a shiny yellow hood and fenders, fresh from the junk yard, on her straightened steel frame.

In search of my next human romance I came to discover the Rogue’s special secrets. The front seats flattened back into a double mattress—they even took a fitted sheet if one was to be so delicate. She was the auto-equivalent of the diaphragm: up-front and functional. Together we navigated the public lands of Oregon in those wondrous days before “sex” was modified by the word “safe.”

I didn’t think she’d make it cross-country so I let her keep her cushy job, trucking law students to school, for a few more years. Eventually I replaced her with a brand new little red Chevette. I sometimes regretted leaving the Rogue behind. She didn’t need red, shiny, brand new. She was a classic, beyond all that. Her light yellow and faded green body was like Sophia Loren however thick the glasses. She was permanently hot.

 
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